To Sleep Perchance to Dream

I've been a night owl as long as I can remember.  When I was in high school I had a 12 inch black and white TV on a little table near my bed.  I would stay up every night watching reruns of the Andy Griffith Show and Planet of the Apes until they played The National Anthem and went off air.  (People born after the 80s will have to ask someone older what it meant when a TV station went off air.)  When TV was done, I would read novels until my eyes burned with dry, tired longing for darkness.  Around 3:30 or 4:00 a.m., I'd finally go to sleep for a few hours.

On the weekends I'd sleep in and sometimes I'd nap after school in the afternoons.  I must have gotten enough sleep somehow because I managed to grow up healthy.  In college I started to be more interested in the purpose of sleep and what happens while one is sleeping.  I took a few classes and read a lot of books.  I learned a lot about what our bodies do while we sleep and why we dream.  

I continued to appreciate my late nights, but as I got older I found more and more of my friends frustrated with sleepless nights and insomnia.  In an effort to be helpful, I made a list of sleep tips.  

1)  It might seem obvious, but cut out caffeine.

2)  Go to bed and get up around the same time every day.  Your body wants to be on a routine.  Force yourself to go to bed and wake up within a 1 hour window every day.  Your body will adjust to that schedule. 

3)  Try a journal.  If you are having intense or weird dreams or nightmares, try journaling about your day.  Wright down what you did and all the random thoughts floating around in your head.  The very act of writing them down, will help your brain organize the thoughts into more manageable chunks before you fall asleep.

4)  Keeping a journal will also help you clear your head of cluttering thoughts, to do lists, and stress.

5)  Do something relaxing.  Deep breathing, a warm bath, stretch, or meditate.

6)  Make your room a comfy sanctuary for sleep.  Remove distractions - especially those that cause stress.

My daughters are night owls too.  I choose to embrace and appreciate that we have that in common rather than fight against it.  Using observations and charts, I found their natural sleep time based on when their bodies and minds got tired.  And that became bed time.  It took some adjusting on both our parts.  

We have some of our best talks and funnest family time in the evenings as we all come home from busy days and activities.  And, since we all enjoy going to bed later, we can all enjoy sleeping in on weekends.  Some of our best warm snuggle moments are in those lazy mornings long after then sun has climbed into the sky.

Giving Children Money (Or Giving Choices to Children)

I thought I'd posted my views on money and allowance before, but I don't see them here. And, since I'm making more of an effort to keep up with my blog, and, because money stuff comes up almost every day, I guess it's worth spending some time on it again even if I've done it once before...

When Rachel was in elementary school they sold Popsicles on Fridays after lunch for $1 each.  I was the volunteer mom who ordered the goodies, stocked the freezer, and arranged for volunteers to sell the treats.  I was there a lot of Friday afternoons and I often watched children buy a treat, eat two bites, and then throw it out before heading to recess.  My daughter did this a few times before I asked her, "Why do you buy the Popsicle if you don't really want it?"  She said, "If I don't buy a Popsicle, I have to give you back the dollar and then I have nothing."

The next week I tried an experiment.  I told her that I was giving her $1.  I said that it belonged to her.  She could chose to spend it at school or save it and keep it for whatever else she wanted.  She saved it until after school and spent it on candy at Walgreen's.  A similar item, but this time she chose a candy she really wanted and ate it all.

(Please note, my choices here never hurt the overall school sales and I continued to contribute my time and efforts so that there was no significant loss when Rachel bought Friday Popsicles less frequently.)

After this I began giving Rachel a weekly allowance.  It was about $5 a week.  Whatever the amount, it was about the same amount of money I was spending on "junk" that she asked for when we were out running errands, when we passed a vending machine, or when we stopped at a garage sale.  I was spending about $1 each time we went out on some little treat or toy.

And, what was she doing to earn a treat?  Behaving?  Shouldn't she behave anyway?  When I took some time to look at the big picture I saw that I was really wasting my money.  She wasn't learning anything valuable.  The items went unused or unappreciated minutes after we got home.  And, even though it wasn't a lot of money, it was adding up.

Once I started giving Rachel the allowance, it was up to her to buy all that extra stuff with her own money.  And, all of a sudden, she became much more picky.  She became aware of which candy costs more and which colored pencils lasted the longest.  She took more time to consider what she really wanted and often chose nothing in order to avoid wasting her own money. (And, consequently, she and I were no longer wasting my money.)

As time went by, I took it further... on a vacation I would give her extra money; a vacation budget.  For example, she might get an extra $40 to spend while we are on vacation.  Now she has to chose if she wants to use that money to buy the over priced t-shirt or the less expensive magnet or the stuffed animal to join the thousands of others in her room back home.  And, what she didn't spend she could keep.  Just like I budgeted money for vacation and if I didn't spend it all, I could then use it for something different back home.

10 years later it's now part of how all money I give her is handled.  She gets a weekly allowance and figures out how much she needs for her weekend plans and what else she wants.  She chooses if she's going to spend more on snacks at the movie theater or save those dollars for ice cream after the movie.  Or, maybe she wants to be frugal and rent a movie and eat what we have in the kitchen for free.  She plans ahead making note when she has something expensive coming up and she needs to save.  She gets a clothing budget.  She can spend it all on the most expensive brand names and have a few items to wear or she can spend it on lots of less expensive clothes.  She makes her own choices and works for extra money when she wants more expensive things.  Same thing for a haircut.  She knows how much I'm willing to pay and she can make an appointment at a salon at that price point or she can pay the difference.

I've done the same with Kate.  She gets a weekly allowance and can spend it on whatever goofy items catch her eye.  She likes to save up for bigger things more than Rachel did at the same age, but they both understand the value of money and of choosing purchases wisely.  I'm proud of how well they do.  I think they are both better at it than I am so it's not something they were ever going to learn by my example!

Every child is different and some might not be able to handle the responsibility quite so widely, but I think the whole system has been pretty simple and would work for most families.  Some families also have rules about children putting some of their allowance in savings and giving some to charity.  You'd have to work that in somehow.  In our case I let it be their choice.  Both have chosen to put money in savings and to give money to charity on their own and again, I think it's held more meaning because they have had a choice.

Happy Holiday

Today is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.  As with all new years, milestones, changes in the calendar, or occasions, it's a good time for reflection and resolution.  I feel like this coming year will be one of particular change.  My daughters will turn 16 and 9.  I feel like they are going to change and grow into new stages where they don't need as much from me on a day-to-day, minute-by-minute basis.  Maybe I'm just seeing them become more independent.  I'll also turn 42 in the coming year.  That's not a milestone birthday, but it seems like a time to say, "I'm in my 40s and so I'm taking stock and seeing what I want to accomplish before I'm 50."

With all that in mind, I resolve to focus in on a single idea... accountability.  I want to make double super sure that I'm holding myself accountable for my beliefs and priorities.  In the coming year I will put more emphasis on assessing myself to be sure I'm heading down paths I desire, meeting goals I've set, and living into the space I've chosen.

I also want to hold my children more accountable for their responsibilities.  Neither of them are slackers in follow through, but there's room for more.  More goal setting and more being realistic about time lines and motivation.  Both girls are great at making a plan, but also really flexible about changing the plan.  Flexibility is great.  Really great.  And useful.  But, it also allows one to opt out of the original plan.  To make it easier.  To move the deadline.  But, shouldn't there be a compelling reason to change the plan?  It's something for us to look at together in the coming year.

Gracious

Today is Mother's Day and my sweet daughters (with Daddy's help) gave me such lovely gifts.

Kate made me a "Momanator" which is a little buzzer that has a key on attached.  The key guides me to press the buzzer once if I want her to turn off the TV, twice for her to brush her teeth, and so on up to six to get hugs and kisses.

Other gifts include a new light fixture in my room, lavender scented candles, a Starbuck's gift card, picture frames and more.

Rachel did most of the shopping and all the wrapping.  I'm proud of her for taking on the responsibility.

As I opened my gifts and looked at my pretty girl's expectant faces, I thought about how much it means to have your gifts received graciously.  When I selects and give a gift, I'm trying to convey a message that the person or the occasion is important to me.  I want them to know that they are thought of and well known and appreciated.  A well received gift is like an acknowledgement that I've done it right.

That's why thank you notes are such a nice tradition.  I insist that my children send thank you notes.  I send thank you notes for the gifts I receive.  I love sending them in response to gifts that are touching gestures of friendship.  And, I love receiving thank you notes and knowing that my gift was received with the intention I intended.

When my daughters send thank you notes they are learning to receive gifts graciously.  They are learning to appreciate what they are given.  And, I hope, they are learning that it would be rewarding to give gifts well.  To give from the heart.  To give of themselves.

I well chosen gift keeps on giving.  It gives pleasure to the new owner, but it also gives the owner a chance to show her joy and that might be the greater gift.

Proud

Recently my grandparents, who are in their 80s, moved to live nearby. My parents moved to this area 5 years ago and now my grandparents. This summer an aunt will follow with her family and in less than a decade my family will be "from" Chicagoland instead of Nebraska. My children and their cousins will be a generation from a completely different place than the generations from which they came.

My grandparents are amazing. They are independent and resourceful and full of joy and life. They have moved near family which helps with these kinds of transitions, but it's also amazing and impressive that they made such a big move in this phase of life.

They actually lived in Chicago when they were first married. My grandfather went to Northwestern and my grandmother worked as a secretary. They have great stories about their little apartment and about living in the big city.

When I watch them prepare Shabbat dinner for four generations of their family, I'm so proud to come from people who are so strong. I'm proud of them for living admirable lives, for being role models, for showing grace in times of illness, and for starting a family that is as amazing as my family is. They taught us all the importance of supporting one another and it's that support that keeps us close and connected.

No, I don't want to build a fort

One of the things I had to learn early on with Rachel was that we didn't like many of the same things. Basically, if we wanted to do something together, one of us was going to be doing something she didn't like. I started to carve out the delicate balance between being her supporter and doing whatever she wanted so she could have all her little dreams come true, and my own sanity.

One year Rachel planned a Mother's Day outing to go shopping at a mall. I hate shopping. I'm not crazy about malls. It's my special day. I had to go along so that I wouldn't disappoint her and I went with a smile on my face and had the best time I could. It's the thought that counts with that one and I know she was trying to give me the best. And that was a gift in itself.

One of my mommy-jobs is to teach my children how to think of other's feelings. If the activity, game, task, outing, is going to leave someone feeling sad, overwhelmed, overburdened, overspent, left out, tired, or stressed - then it needs a second look. Sometimes, even if that someone is me. Sometimes I say, "I know you plan on cleaning up after, but I'm sure I'm going to end up having a long day putting the kitchen back together. That means I won't have time to take you to the park. Or that means I won't have time to put away the laundry. Or that means I won't have time to read my book. Is this so important to you that you will give up the park, help with the laundry or that I should give up my time to read?"

Sometimes one of us ends up disappointed, but I think that's ok. Disappointment is part of life. Learning to accept that some things take extra work and some times things don't work out perfectly - these are lessons best learned when the consequences are small.

Kate wants to have a yard sale. She talks about it almost daily. I have explained that we have a dog who doesn't like company at our house. The idea of having people come and go all day will make Jane so sad and so stressed. It could actually hurt her. Kate still tries to find ways around this obstacle, but the fact is, a yard sale is not a good plan for the family.

I want my daughters to have fond memories of fun times at home and with me. And we do. We do a lot of fun and a lot of laughter. And, I want my daughters to take me outside my comfort zone and challenge me to try new things. And they do. The balancing act is challenging, but it's an activity on which we can all agree.

Flying with Children

I used to have a multi-page guide with tips on how to fly with children. Anyone seen it? I don't usually lose track of things like that. It's bothering me that I can't find it.

It's actually somewhat outdated because I wrote it before security was as tight as it is now and when there were no changing tables in airport bathrooms. But, I think some of the overall themes would still apply.

My biggest piece of advise is to stay calm. A lot of people are anxious at the airport and on planes. It might be fear of flying or the stress of travel or concern about the destination. But, any parent knows that their child picks up on their mood. If you are anxious or worried, your child will be scared. He or she will only understand that something is wrong. Travel should be exciting and fun. Take note of your mood and lighten it. Enjoy the adventure and share that pleasure with your child. Everyone will have a better trip.

(This is when Rachel would start to point out all the times I have not done that. I think I get it right more often than not, but the failures stand out and Rachel's got a list of them. When she brings it up I have to sigh, admit the mistake, say I'll do better, and remind her to do as I say and not as I do.)

Packing for your trip is another key preparation piece. You want to pack everything you need, but also pack light enough that you don't strain yourself dragging it all around the airport. Take some time to think about what you need on the plane and what you can check. And pack your stuff in a carry on that's easy to carry. (Backpacks are good.) And pack things in the order you'll need them. If you can, bundle them in groups by purpose - the diaper changing stuff together, the toys together, etc.

Pack ziplock bags for wet clothes and dirty toys. You can keep these things separated from your clean stuff until you arrive at your destination. I also suggest packing a clean shirt for mom and maybe for dad too. You'll be happier if you are comfortable and we all know there are a dozen ways for kids to make their parents wet, dirty, or sticky.

When I've flown with my daughters, I've always gotten them tickets. I know that you can bring a baby on your lap and save the money, but I've never done it that way. Anyone who knows me know that the extra cost is not an easy choice, but it's what I've done because I can't see managing all the things I need and want in the space of one seat - and with a baby on my lap.

I bring the infant seat on the plane and 9 out of 10 times, I've managed to strap them into their seat and having a comfortably sleeping baby for the whole flight. It's like being on a long car ride and they fall asleep from the motion and the sound. I don't think that would happen in my arms with me moving around and it also frees me up to enjoy the flight reading.

The FAA also recommends having babies strapped in their car seats until they are old enough to sit up in a regular seat with a seat belt. Turbulence comes on suddenly and I've dropped all sorts of things when a plane has bumped unexpectedly. There are scary videos of babies flying out of their parents arms and bouncing around the plane during turbulence. If you wouldn't let your baby bounce around in a car, why let them on a plane?

I think the thing parents worry about most when they fly with a baby or toddler is the diaper situation. It's not easy to change children in awkward settings, but it happens and we all get through it. If possible, change the baby at the airport where there's a nice big bathroom with a nice big changing table. If you have to change a baby on the plane follow these simple steps:

• Smile and pretend you are on Fear Factor and that you will win money if you accomplish this.
• Gather one clean diaper, the wipes, one zip lock bag, and sanitizer
• Take off as much of the baby's clothes as possible while still in the seat area. You don't have a lot of space, but it's still more than you'll have in the bathroom.
• Take the baby, the diaper, wipes, and sanitizer to the bathroom and look for a changing table. If there is one in there, you lucked out. Nice work.
• If there is no changing table you have two choices. You can sit on the toilet and lay the baby on your lap while changing her. This works, but use wipes and paper towels to protect your pants and keep one hand on the baby since your lap is probably not really flat or equipped with sides to keep her from rolling off. Second option is to change the baby with one hand while you hold her under her arms with your other hand. I prefer this method and practiced at home before each flight. It's actually pretty slick once you get the hang of it. (This method can also be used in the future when you are out someplace and the changing table is gross.)
• Use the zip lock bag for the dirty diaper and wipes. No reason to leave a super stinky for everyone else to experience after you leave the bathroom.

When you fly with older children, there's not nearly as much to manage. The keeping clam part still applies, but you can communicate and be honest about what's going on if a flight is delayed or something unexpected happens. Everything gets easier with communication.

When you fly with children of any age, I suggest bringing snacks. I think it's a given for parents with toddlers - you get used to taking snacks every place. But older kids will get hungry on long flights and if you are delayed, a snack sure makes the time pass more easily.

Encourage children to help choose what to pack for the plane and it's nice if they can each have their own carry on bag with their toys, stuffed animal, and snack. (And a change of clothes is always a good idea.) Help children pick things they can use on the plane and things that don't have too many small pieces to drop or lose. I always pack one or two new toys to have on the plane too. Something they can do on the plane like draw or read or play cards or silly putty. Toys with magnets are good since it's harder to lose the pieces. Sometimes I even wrap it up like a real present. It's fun to open something and get the full surprise experience.

I'm going to keep looking for my original instructions and maybe I'll add some tips when I see what else I had on my list.

On Duty

I think there's a line in the movie "A Few Good Men" where someone explains that we (the general population) are able to sleep well at night because someone else is willing to put their life on the line to protect us. And I agree.

Recently two firefighters in Chicago died fighting a fire. Firefighters wait around until we need to be protected, often from ourselves, and then they come in and put themselves at risk to keep us safe. They do what I'm afraid to do and rush into the danger to protect us.

The comparisons are obvious. Police approach a suspicious and potentially dangerous situation so that I can stay snug in my home watching reruns of Bones. They keep the peace so that I can rest assured that my family is relatively safe.

And soldiers. Any better example? Sometimes leaving their family to live and work under extreme conditions, risking their lives and their health to protect our country. Last month Rachel and I were at the airport when a soldier was arriving home from Iraq. They announced over the intercom that he'd be arriving and that everyone was invited to welcome him at his gate.

Around 100 people gathered outside the gate to wait for this man. While we waited, I told Rachel that before airport security changed in the fall of 2001, there were always a lot of people waiting outside a gate. Whole families gathered to welcome fathers home from business trips and students home from college. We waited anxiously for our friends and family to get off plans and watched the door for them to arrive. Now we circle the airport outside baggage claim and greet our guests in the car. The world has changed in so many, many ways over the last 10 years.

But, back to that day at the airport - we all waited at the gate for this soldier to arrive home. We saw that he had family there. Nieces and Nephews who'd made posters and sisters with tears in their eyes as they answered stranger's questions. He's been gone 7 months. He'll be home 3 days. He'll be gone again until March. 3 days. Can you imagine?

The man from the USO (who looked a lot like Santa Clause) spoke to the crowd. He said that this man getting off the plane didn't know anyone was waiting for him at the gate. He would be coming off to a big surprise. The man said, "When he gets off the plane, I want to hear some noise. This man is a marine. Make him blush. " And we did. The noise when he came through the door was awesome. (And I mean that in the literal sense -- something that inspires awe.)

So, maybe some people came to clap and cheer because they were board waiting for their own flights. Maybe it was the general joy of the holiday season. But, I like to think that all those people were clapping for the reason I was -- to say thank you for keeping my family safe. Thank you for doing what I wasn't willing or able to do. Thank you for standing up for me when I'm safe at home. Thank you for being a role model about how to fight for what's important and how to protect what's valuable. These are good lessons.

Yes, I sobbed the whole time.

After I got Rachel on the plane and started driving home, I turned on the radio. First song to play was "An American Soldier" by Toby Keith. Here are the lyrics:

I'm just trying to be a father,
Raise a daughter and a son,
Be a lover to their mother,
Everything to everyone.
Up and at 'em bright and early,
I'm all business in my suit,
Yeah, I'm dressed up for success from my head down to my boots,
I don't do it for the money, there's bills that I can't pay,
I don't do it for the glory, I just do it anyway,
Providing for our futures, my responsibility,
Yeah I'm real good under pressure, being all that I can be,
And I can't call in sick on Mondays when the weekend's been too strong,
I just work straight through the holidays,
And sometimes all night long.
You can bet that I stand ready when the wolf growls at the door,
Hey, I'm solid, hey I'm steady, hey I'm true down to the core,
And I will always do my duty, no matter what the price,
I've counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice,
Oh, and I don't want to die for you,
But if dying's asked of me,
I'll bear that cross with an honor,
'Cause freedom don't come free.
I'm an American Soldier, an American,
Beside my Brothers and my Sisters I will proudly take a stand.
When liberty's in jeopardy I'll always do what's right.
I'm out here on the front lines, sleep in peace tonight.
American Soldier,
I'm an American Soldier.

Yeah, an American Soldier,
An American.
Beside my Brothers and my Sisters I will proudly take a stand,
When liberty's in jeopardy I'll always do what's right,
I'm out here on the front lines, so sleep in peace tonight.

American Soldier,
I'm an American,
American,

American Soldier.

"Yep. That's what I was thinking."

My father and grandfather are both veterans. My grandfather was in WWII. My father was in Vietnam. He has an amazing story; that I'll save for another day. But, he fought for all of you and for his own family, who didn't even exist yet. He left home to go to this strange and dangerous place to fight an unnamed war because it was just the right thing to do. And he literally risked his life to get back home and build the family that the soldiers and police and firefighters protect today. Another awesome thing.

Target in my Control

My youngest daughter, Kate, started kindergarten earlier this week. On the first day of kindergarten, I took the day off work. I dropped her off and I was there to pick her up. She had a great first day of school and everything went smoothly.

Our arrangement for the year is that my dad will pick Kate up from school each day. Some days she has other activities, but most days, they'll be together for the afternoon. (Our kindergarten is only half day.) Dad picked Kate up from preschool all last year, so they are good at this routine. And they really like it. Dad is a great playmate for Kate. He loves to come up with new ideas and loves to take her to all the places that she enjoys. They go to Chicago a lot and they have fun adventures. They are both getting to have a very special experience and, rightfully so, it's the envy of many of my friends.

So, on the second day of kindergarten I'd asked Dad to send me a text message when he arrived at the school and when he actually had Kate. I knew that it wouldn't be any problem, but I was still a little anxious. New place, new routine, new parking restrictions, new time of day. I just wanted to be sure that all went according to plan.

Dad, being funny and also retired military, sent me the following text about an hour before he was scheduled to pick up Kate:

Dad: Nanny1 to boss lady; at pick up point code name Ravinia. Have doors under surveillance. Standing by.

(I thought that was hilarious and joined in, responding...)

Me: Roger that. Update as situation develops.

Dad: No change as of 10:36.

Dad: No change as of 11:21. Will move in closer to door E2 and observe.

Dad: 11:25 large group forming at E2, 11F, 2M, 3C

Dad: First group out. No joy on target yet. Mob stable.

Me: Keep a sharp eye!

Dad: On the job. Have not missed a target in years.

Dad: Target in my control!

That last line was the funniest part because, while Dad is the grown up and drives the car and pays for things, Kate is really always the one in control.

I'm lucky to have such a great dad who gives up so much of his own time to be with my children. And does so in ways that they enjoy. The memories they build together are priceless.

Halloween

Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's fun and silly and a celebration. It has a fascinating history, but has been altered to fit culture and society. And, Halloween is always exactly what you expect it to be.

One of the primary flaws in holiday celebrations is that we set our expectations too high. We want a magical midnight kiss on New Year's Eve. We curiously unwrap gifts hoping for the perfect delight several times a year. We anxiously anticipate cards, well wishes, and parties only to look back and think they fell short. That's not to say that all holidays are disappointing or that they don't deliver any joy. It's just that they are inconsistent. You don't know if your expectations will be met. Some people love that gamble, that anticipation. Not me.

All those expectations and critical thoughts are unfair. They deplete the joy. But, we do it anyway. Halloween has never been like that for me. It's always just want is expected. Even the unpredictable parts of Halloween are easily planned and prepared for; ensuring success.

I don't dress in costume beyond a set of cat ears or a Halloween earrings and socks. I've long since learned that I don't find costumes fun. But, no one cares if you dress or not for Halloween. You are invited to enjoy no matter your level of participation (1 point for Halloween).

I help the kids choose costumes that allow them to move around and allow the addition of a coat or jacket under or over if necessary. We usually start with something store bought, but often add our own finishing touches. We spend months talking about and selecting Halloween costumes. Rachel changes her mind a lot as the day draws near, so we don't make our final selection until mid-October.

We play a game in our neighborhood where you sneak up on a house and leave a bag of candy and a sign that the people have been visited by a Halloween ghost. They are instructed to visit three more people leaving candy. Every time we are visited we're thrilled. We carefully pick who to visit next hoping that they won't figure out who we are. Rachel runs up to the door to ring the bell and drop the bag while I keep them motor running on the street. She dives back into the car with and we slowly drive away. (Safety first.)

Funny Kate Story... When Kate was 3, I wanted her to wear the Tasmanian Devil costume that Rachel had worn wore when she was almost 3, but since Kate is so tall, I wasn't sure it would fit. I got it out to try on her and when she saw it she thought it was really funny. She liked that is was so fuzzy and cuddly and cute. It's one of those big plush costumes that is a body suit and you step in and zip up the front and then your head is peaking out of the animal's mouth.

So, I'm putting it on Kate and she's looking down at the row of teeth that will be going along her belly and she realizes what's happening and starts screaming, "It's eating me!" I try to reassure her that it's just a costume and that she likes it and it's fun, but she's pleading with me, "Mommy. Help. It's eating me." I just keep putting the costume on.

Once the costume is on, she calms down and I'm showing her how cute she is with her little paws and then I take her to the mirror so she can see the whole image. When she sees herself with her face sticking out of the mouth, she loses it again, "It's eating me! It's eating me!" So, I take the whole thing off and I'm holding her and saying that I'm sorry and that she's safe and that it was just a toy costume and I wouldn't let anything eat her. She looks at me with her wet-from-tears face and says, "I just wanted to be a mermaid."

Well, we have a mermaid costume too. Rachel wore that a couple years later. So, I get it out and she puts it on and she dances and "swims" around the house and is the happiest girl.

That's the magic of Halloween.

My Brother is a Rock Star in My World

My brother, Dan, is a wonderful, wonderful part of my world. I love that he's my brother.

When my parents first brought him home, I was almost three. I wanted him to go on my slide with me. Mom said he wasn't old enough to use the slide. I said, "Then what good is he?"

Over the years he served his purpose:

1) A smaller creature I could boss around.

2) Partner in crime when we threw slime on the living room ceiling leaving red splotches.

3) Loan officer when I tried to pay a speeding ticket without our parents finding out.

We've had a lot of great laughs together.

We complement each other well. We have really opposite skill sets and do things really differently. And, we happily give up what we don't do well to the other one. That makes us a really good team when we work together. A lot of projects involve me doing stuff and Dan paying the bill. It's fun.

One thing that we do have in common is our sense of humor. We both think the same things are funny. Sometimes when no one else does. We always know when the other will laugh at a story.

One of my favorite stories Dan's told me is about the time he was on an airplane, in the air, during a flight, and the maintenance crew started unscrewing bolts to get to a panel to do some routine work.

We have the same Starbucks order: Tall Vanilla Nonfat Latte.

Dan will point out that he gets his sugar free and I don't. But I will not point that out because it ruins my point about us having the same Starbucks order.

When we were little and Dan was mad at me, he would slip a note under my bedroom door saying, "You realize of course, this means war." Everything was spelled wrong, but I didn't know because I spell as poorly as he does. (I still maintain that we have complementary skill sets. Spelling is the exception.)

This year, Dan got me a new camera for Hannukka. It arrive the day before Kate's Holiday Sing Program at preschool. Perfect timing. I took great pictures. Dan always comes through in a pinch. Even when he doesn't know he's doing it.

How would I sum up my relationship with my brother? I don't understand much of what he does, but I love the whole package that is Dan.

The Best Thing About My Family

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a really great family. My parents are always ready and available to help out and act like it's me doing them a favor when I ask. My family is loving and generous and thoughtful and really entertaining. I'm so blessed.

But, not everyone knows that most of my life I didn't think I had such a great family. I didn't think there was anything wrong with them - specifically. But, I just didn't value all the wonderfulness they freely gave me. I didn't appreciate what I had.

The very best thing about my family is that all those years (about 30 of them), they never pushed me away or tried to pull me too close. They just waited for me to figure it out.

Walter the Hamster Dies

Kate's hamster, Walter, died this week. Rachel and I found him in the cage. We were really sad. We didn't tell Kate right away because it was already bed time and the next day we were all going to be running around a lot. I wanted to tell her when we'd have time to sit and talk about the news without feeling rushed.

So, I told Kate today. This was our conversation:

Me: Kate, I have some bad news to tell you.

Kate: Some bad news and some good news?

Me: No. Only bad news this time. Walter died.

Kate: For real?

Me: Yes. I'm really sorry. He was a good Hamster.

Kate: I love it when he runs on his wheel and looks at me with his cute face.

Me: He was really cute when he did that. I'm going to miss seeing him.

Kate: Can we have a funeral?

Me: Yes. This afternoon we can bury him in the back yard.

Kate: Under a tree, so he won't get too hot?

Me: Yes.

Kate: Can I put the box in?

Me: Yes.

Kate was quiet for a minute and then: Walter died and now he gets to have babies!

(Kate has been very interested in Walter having a baby ever since she got him in June. We've explained that he's a boy and can't have babies, but it was a constant speculation on her part that he might.)

Me: No. When animals die, they can't have babies. Boy hamsters never have babies, but girl hamsters don't have babies after they die.

Kate: Now Walter can't do anything except be dead.

Me: Yes. But, we can remember all the fun things he used to do.

Kate: He didn't even make it to his birthday. He died while he was still a baby.

After that we read part of a book I borrowed from preschool called Lifetimes: The beautiful way to explain death to children, by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. It's a really good book. Kate liked it, but got restless mid-way through.

This afternoon we buried Walter. Kate picked out a good spot under a tree and we put a big rock by his grave to mark the spot.

Halloween

Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's fun and silly and a celebration. It has a fascinating history, but has been altered to fit culture and society. And, Halloween is always exactly what you expect it to be.

One of the primary flaws in holiday celebrations is that we set our expectations too high. We want a magical midnight kiss on New Year's Eve. We curiously unwrap gifts hoping for the perfect delight several times a year. We anxiously anticipate cards, well wishes, and parties only to look back and think they fell short. That's not to say that all holidays are disappointing or that they don't deliver any joy. It's just that they are inconsistent. You don't know if your expectations will be met. Some people love that gamble, that anticipation. Not me.

All those expectations and critical thoughts are unfair. They deplete the joy. But, we do it anyway. Halloween has never been like that for me. It's always just want is expected. Even the unpredictable parts of Halloween are easily planned and prepared for; ensuring success.

I don't dress in costume beyond a set of cat ears or a Halloween earrings and socks. I've long since learned that I don't find costumes fun. But, no one cares if you dress or not for Halloween. You are invited to enjoy no matter your level of participation (1 point for Halloween).

I help the kids choose costumes that allow them to move around and allow the addition of a coat or jacket under or over if necessary. We usually start with something store bought, but often add our own finishing touches. We spend months talking about and selecting Halloween costumes. Rachel changes her mind a lot as the day draws near, so we don't make our final selection until mid-October.

We play a game in our neighborhood where you sneak up on a house and leave a bag of candy and a sign that the people have been visited by a Halloween ghost. They are instructed to visit three more people leaving candy. Every time we are visited we're thrilled. We carefully pick who to visit next hoping that they won't figure out who we are. Rachel runs up to the door to ring the bell and drop the bag while I keep them motor running on the street. She dives back into the car with and we slowly drive away. (Safety first.)

Funny Kate Story... When Kate was 3, I wanted her to wear the Tasmanian Devil costume that Rachel had worn wore when she was almost 3, but since Kate is so tall, I wasn't sure it would fit. I got it out to try on her and when she saw it she thought it was really funny. She liked that is was so fuzzy and cuddly and cute. It's one of those big plush costumes that is a body suit and you step in and zip up the front and then your head is peaking out of the animal's mouth.

So, I'm putting it on Kate and she's looking down at the row of teeth that will be going along her belly and she realizes what's happening and starts screaming, "It's eating me!" I try to reassure her that it's just a costume and that she likes it and it's fun, but she's pleading with me, "Mommy. Help. It's eating me." I just keep putting the costume on.

Once the costume is on, she calms down and I'm showing her how cute she is with her little paws and then I take her to the mirror so she can see the whole image. When she sees herself with her face sticking out of the mouth, she loses it again, "It's eating me! It's eating me!" So, I take the whole thing off and I'm holding her and saying that I'm sorry and that she's safe and that it was just a toy costume and I wouldn't let anything eat her. She looks at me with her wet-from-tears face and says, "I just wanted to be a mermaid."

Well, we have a mermaid costume too. Rachel wore that a couple years later. So, I get it out and she puts it on and she dances and "swims" around the house and is the happiest girl.

That's the magic of Halloween.

Mommy Trap

A Mommy Trap is a situation where you try and make the best choice you can, but you don't know which choice will really work out best; and it seems that either choice could leave you wishing you'd made the other. Here is an example:

My house is pretty cluttered and somewhat dirty. I work full time and I don't have any cleaning help (besides my family). After work I usually make dinner from scratch (as opposed to using prepared meals or shortcuts) and spend time with the kids. We do crafts and play. We spend weekends going to the park and running errands. We see friends and spend lazy afternoons curled up watching movies together. Sometimes we clean house together. But, I never get the house as clean or as organized as I'd like. That's where the trap comes in.

I could just spend two evenings a week doing all the household stuff I feel should be done. I could tell the kids they are on their own to play or watch TV. Sandwiches for dinner. But, then I'd miss out on the time we have together. I tell myself, "When they grow up, they'll remember all the great times we had laughing, playing games, baking together. They won't take pleasure in remembering the house was clean."

On the other hand, they might not really recall all the endless nights of fun and they might remember the clutter and the dusty living room shelves. I think I'm making the right choice, but I might be making the wrong one. And, when I find out, it will be too late.

Some pitures of my nephew Jacob

The picture with the blue ball was just taken this weekend at Jacob's second birthday party. How cute is that boy? There's also a picture here of him with my brother (and his dad) at Halloween 2008. He's a Wookie. And, a picture of Jacob playing patty-cake with Rachel at my parent's house. I love that picture.

The Snowy Fall

Since I've put up some hamster posts, it seems only fair that I also put up some cat and dog posts. This one is about our cat, Nikita.



We adopted Nikita from an animal shelter in Fargo, North Dakota in January 1996. She was about two years old at the time. When we went to the shelter the woman said she only had one cat and that it wasn't available for adoption because it was a mean cat.



A mean cat! Who ever heard of anything so absurd? All cats are sort of mean; that is just part of cat behavior. And they are also very nice and warm and soft and snugly, but not when in cages at shelters. I decided the woman just didn't understand cats and we adopted Nikita that day.



I love Nikita. She and I get along wonderfully and have been in love since the very first day. I would say she can be more mean than most cats, but I love her every minute and we have lots of snuggle time every day. She's my really special furry heart.



Chuck and I adopted Nikita when we lived in a little apartment that was right above the boiler room. It was stiflingly hot in there all winter. Sometimes the floor was so hot, we wore shoes inside. Often, the rooms were so hot that we slept with the windows open. Even when temperatures were below zero outside. When Chuck came home from work (where he wore a dress shirt, tie, and dress pants), he would immediately go in the bedroom and strip down to boxers and a t-shirt. He would then come out and say, "I'm home."



And, every single time we opened the refrigerator, Nikita would try to run inside. She would scurry to get back behind the food and then would try her hardest to hide when we tried to pull her out. She wasn't phased at all if we closed the door for a minute; locking her inside in the dark. Sometimes we'd be too fast getting something out and would close the door before Nikita got inside. She would look at us so hurt and sad. She loved to be in the nice, cool refrigerator.



(Note: Cats always prefer to be in warm spots and will go to great lengths to find and possess the warmest spots. The fact that Nikita put forth so much effort to be cool is evidence of the high temperatures in our apartment.)



As I mentioned, we often slept with the windows open. And when we did, Nikita slept in the window sill pressed up against the screen. One night I woke up to the sound of her meowing, but when I looked at the window, she wasn't there. I looked around the apartment, but it was clear that the meowing sound was coming from the window. As I walked toward the window in the darkened apartment, I realized that the screen was not in the window. Now I hurried over and put my head out the window. Below me I saw the window screen laying on the snow and a cat-shaped hole in the snow (like in a cartoon) with my Nikita at the bottom. She was looking up at me confused, meowing.

I hurried into my coat and ran down the hall and down the stairs. I didn't take my shoes. Outside I ran around the building and faced snow drifts 10 feet deep that stretched for at least the length of 6 apartments before I'd get to Nikita. I tried to climb, but just sank into the snow. I started to army crawl along the surface. It was working. I was cold and I couldn't move fast, but I slowly made it to the hole in the snow. I dug out a bigger hole on a slope so that I could climb down and get Nikita. And then climb back out. With her cold little body tightly squeezed under one arm, I crawled back to the door and went inside. Back upstairs. Closed the window. Went to get a drink of water.

All was well. We were safe inside. Chuck slept through the whole thing. In the morning, I showed him my crawl marks in the snow. When I told the people in the apartment office that we needed the screen replaced, they asked why I didn't bring it back with the cat.

Cleaning the Cages and Mysterious Predication

Today I cleaned the hamster cages for the first time. The pamphlet said once every one - two weeks. So, today is one week. I'm guessing that it will more often reach to two weeks. We all know that cleaning is not my passion. But, I do like when the house doesn't smell like pee.

A few interesting things happened during the cleaning process.

The first thing I did was catch the hamsters and put each in his exercise ball to run around the house. Jane was immediately interested in the hamsters being on the ground and where she could get her nose right in close. (Jane's our dog.) I was worried she would scare the hamsters and told Rachel to take Jane in another room. But, Rachel suggested putting the balls in the bathtub and letting the hamsters run in the safety of the tub. Fine. Then she came out and told me that the balls got stuck on the drain so she put the plug in. Fine. Then she called for me to hurry and come in there because Snickers was out of his ball.

I ran in to find Snickers running around the tub ball-less. I scooped him back in the ball and made sure the lid was on tight. I then stood there thinking that it sure was a lucky thing that Rachel wanted to put the balls in the tub and wanted to put the plug in the drain. Snickers is fast and not doing either probably would have meant a lost Snickers. Rachel's good at predicting the future without knowing it. She often does things that anticipate circumstances we couldn't have foreseen; and it works out really well. I like that she has that unique talent.

The second interesting thing that happened while I was cleaning the cages is that I realized Snickers' cage had been put together wrong. Part of it wasn't connected this whole time. No rodents got out. No cats got in. Funny. Everyone just stayed where they belonged.

So, I don't know if Walter and Snickers could see each other in their exercise balls, but when I put them back in the cages, I put them both in one. And they were so happy to be together. They were grooming each other and sort of hugging. They pressed their faces together. It was very, very cute.

When we picked them out, they were in a cage together, so I guess they must be brothers or they must have been together for a while. I'm glad that they are happy to see each other. Maybe they can share an exercise ball next cleaning.

Hamsters Arrive

On Saturday, June 6, 2009 I took Rachel and Kate to the store to buy hamsters. Both girls love animals and have been asking for more pets for ages. We already have a cat, a dog, and some fish. But, with animal lovers - and a mom who grew up with lots of pets - it doesn't take much to decided more creatures should be using up oxygen in our home.

Rachel graduated 5th grade this year - which is the end of elementary school around here. And, around here, completing elementary school is a big deal. The year ended with a series of 5th grade events including a day long field trip at a forest preserve, an after school dance with DJ, and a graduation ceremony. Those with older children kept saying, "Wait until you see what they do for 8th grade." Apparently we're all about celebrating children's milestones on the north shore.

So, the hamsters are really a graduation gift for Rachel. But, it's a family event so Kate got one too. They live in the living room with cages that attach. Just central to the family right from day one.

(For those of you who are detail oriented, they are two male robo hamsters. Wikipedia has a good page about them including pictures. The pictures aren't of our specific hamsters, but you get the idea. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roborovski_hamster)

Rachel's named her hamster Snickers. Kate's is named her hamster Walter. Rachel's cage is a primary color, multi level habitat. Kate's is a pink princess habitat. Rachel asked the sales man practical questions about care and feeding. Kate asked if we could get the hamsters a pet bird. Yet another day when my daughters seem to be different species. Both in love with their new pets - but in really different ways.

Kate talks to hers. She makes up elaborate stories about the adventures she and Walter take together. She is obsessed with giving Walter more food and treats. Rachel is all about caring for Snickers. She checks his cage and encourages him to try new things. She's impressed with his accomplishments and tells everyone how smart and strong he is.

And, the hamsters are a lot like their owners. Walter will follow Snickers around and try what he does. Walter also likes to sit in his food dish and sleep a lot. Snickers is more adventurous and faster than Walter. He's consistently harder to catch and has bitten me twice. (In his defence, I would bite a giant hand scooping me up too.) Snickers literally climbs the walls and jumps from the highest levels in his habitat. The two spend a lot of time together in each other's cages, but they seem to return to their own space.

Each has a wheel in his cage and both spend a lot of time (at night) running and running and running. Snickers is much, much faster than Walter. Sometimes Walter climbs onto Snickers wheel with him and runs behind him. Snickers is faster and so Walter is always slipping down and either bumping his face on Snicker's butt or being kicked in the face by Snickers. When Walter tries to get off, Snickers jumps down and noses Walter back on for another round. An effort to encourage more exercise?

On June 10th, both girls re-named their hamsters. Rachel named her "Giant." Ya know, it's funny because he's so small. Kate named hers "Brown Eyes." His eyes are actually black, but I don't think she's trying to be funny. I still call them Snickers and Walter. We'll see what sticks.

Raccoon Stories (loosly related to raccoons)

Tonight Rachel, Kate, and I had a big ice cream sundae fest. I got all the fixings at the store and we each made our own creation. Mine with tons of whipped cream. Rachel had plenty of chocolate sauce. Kate emptied the container of sprinkles. And, as we enjoyed our treats, the conversation turned to raccoons. As I told raccoon stories, I realized that I have quiet a few. Here is a selection...

1) One night last summer (July 28, 2008 - I know because I mentioned this story to my friend, Faith, that week and I just looked up the e-mail to check the date.) I was watching TV with the windows open. Everyone else was asleep. Our dog, Jane, was on my bed with me. I heard a noise outside. It sounded like something heavy falling on the concrete outside our window. Jane's ears perked up. I looked at the window. I heard it again. It sounded like something big jumped up and then landed heavily on the concrete outside our window. Jane's ears remained perked up, but she pulled her head down into her shoulders. (Which she does when she's trying to appear small or hide.) I heard it a third time. Yep, something is outside jumping up toward the window. Something big. As I stared at the open window I heard a sound that could only be an animal trying to climb up the brick side of our house. I gasped. Jane made a sound like, "grrrr." Whatever was outside made a sound like, "GGGRRRRRRRRR!!!!!" I jumped up and closed the windows. Then I ran through the house closing all the windows. Then I went back to watching TV.

2) One night we were walking home from a very fun party at the Holleman's house and we saw a baby raccoon in a tree. It was so, so adorable. It was only a few feet from us and we probably could have scooped it up. The kids were really tempted to reach out, but Rachel knows that petting a raccoon is a bad idea. (That will be story #3.) We looked at him for a few minutes and then moved on. As a mom I sort of felt a little pull at my heart because both my girls are such animal lovers and they really wanted to snuggle that little raccoon. But, right down the street we came to the glass door of a hair salon where a large rabbit was sitting inside. I showed him to the girls and they were kneeling by the glass looking at the rabbit when the owner of the salon, and the rabbit, came over and opened the door. She invited us in and let the girls pet and hold the very friendly rabbit. It was so generous of her. It was late and I'm sure she had work to finish, but she visited with us for a while and the girls got to pet a snugly animal.

3) One time Rachel's friend came across a sleeping raccoon in the park near our house. He was curious and reached out to pet it. He got bit. He had to get rabies shots. He is still one of the smartest kids I've ever known. Probably because he's so curious. When he's head of the WHO, I bet he'll develop a single dose pill to treat rabies. (My spell checker wants to change rabies to rabbis. Wouldn't it be funny if someone developed a pill to treat rabbis? What would it do?)

4) Last week at work we had a skunk trap. Our executive director discovered that a skunk had built a nest near her office. That's not a good place for a skunk to make his home. So, we called some guy who set a trap to catch the skunk and then move it to a good place. But, on Friday morning the preschool director discovered a small raccoon in the skunk trap. I felt really sad for that raccoon all day because the guy didn't come let him loose until mid-afternoon and the raccoon looked really scared in that cage. In the cold drizzling rain. During the day. I hope he found something yummy to eat Friday night.

5) Once, when Rachel was about 3 or 4 years old, she was coloring in the living room of "the red house" and she said, "Look at that raccoon." (The red house had big floor to ceiling windows that faced our back yard. Amazing room.) I said, "Raccoons only come out at night." Rachel said, "Then what's that?" I looked and said, "Oh. That's a raccoon." And it was. It was the biggest raccoon I'd ever seen. It was bigger than most "medium" sized dogs. For those of you who know the dogs I know, it was bigger than Abby or Precious or Rocky. I think it might have been bigger than Freddy Mac. And almost as big as Marley. And the raccoon was on our patio staring right in the windows at us. Only a single pane of glass separated us. And then the raccoon started vomiting on the concrete. Now, you don't have to be an animal expert to know that when a nocturnal animal is out during the day; it's ill. And when it comes up close to humans; it's ill. But, in case there was any question in my mind. It started vomiting. So, I called animal control and they said they would come but it would take a while. They asked if I could keep the raccoon in my yard. I said, "No. I'm not going out there at all - to scare it off or close the gate." Then I called our landlords because their dog (Precious, mentioned above) often came into our yard and I wanted to warn them to keep her home. Then I called our neighbors who had four little girls that frequently played in their back yard. Then we waited. Rachel and I watched that raccoon for a long time until the animal control guy came. He caught it and took it away. He said it had distemper.

Next time... bird stories...